Some days it is hard to separate the past from the forgiveness, but my present (and future) happiness is so much more important than what has already happened.

Well, it's been an interesting few days. My boyfriend sustained a muscle injury that has resulted in limited mobility and a few trips to the doc. I have taken two days off work so far to help him out in his time of misery.
I am not complaining. Actually, I think it has been good for us. He has certainly been a lot more openly affectionate these days; things like holding my hand in the car, leaning in to me in the store, pulling me close on the couch. Maybe it's the painkillers... Or perhaps he is realizing that love doesn't have to be painful.
Today he gave me keys to his place. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and there was no big discussion as to what it meant. But I haven't had a set of his keys since I walked out the door two years ago when I discovered his infidelity. So for me, today's action was big.
It's been a long two years, but it's nice to feel like we are heading forward together again.

Sometimes others say it better than me. I think I will start posting their photo wisdoms as truths.

What do you think of today's truth?

I'll admit it... I had a moment of weakness. He was young, and attentive, and flattered me by his interest. No, I didn't sleep with him. In fact, I didn't even touch him. But I let him flirt, and I flirted back.

It felt good..for a few hours. And then the reality hit me, and the guilt. Is this the type of person I want to be? Am I willing to sabotage everything I have worked so hard to build because a guy thinks I have a nice ass?

No.

So I told him... "Hey, I have a boyfriend. I had no right to use you to make me feel attractive. It was wrong, and it stops now."

Thing is, there is a fine line between "innocent flirting" (a phrase I hear guys use all the time) and relationship-damaging flirting. I think the line is much finer than we sometimes want to believe. It feels so good to be admired that we play it off as innocent. But the truth of the matter is, if we're seeking any sort of validation from someone else, it crosses the line.

Relationships aren't perfect, but it's unfair to fill the cracks in the foundation with someone else. Period.

I wrote about trust the other day, and it should stand without reason that trust and respect go hand in hand.

When you break my trust, it's because you didn't respect me enough to honor my feelings. Enough said.

But can you trust someone who doesn't respect you? And more importantly, can you trust and respect yourself if you let others disrespect you?

When I was younger, I thought all relationships had to have drama. I believed jealousy was a prerequisite for love. Anger was a natural side effect of jealousy, so it was to be expected as well. Because of this, I endured my share of abuse, both physical and verbal.

But that was when I was younger. As my girls grow up, they watch me for cues as to what a relationship should be. And now that their dad has left, it is even more important that those cues I provide are solid.

The most important of those cues is respect. It's a non-negotiable. And because I demand respect, I will not tolerate:

1. Physical abuse

2. Yelling

3. Talking crap about my family or friends

4. Treating my daughters like side baggage

It breaks my heart to see women who continue to allow themselves to be treated like property. The more we compromise on such basic needs, the more we screw over the young girls that deserve a chance at "happily ever after."

(This post is not for people who don't want to confront sexuality, and a woman's freedom to explore it in whatever way she so chooses.)

Friends episode, in which Richard asks Monica how many men she has slept with...

Richard: Ya know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.

Monica: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

I'll admit it...I read 50 Shades of Grey. All three of them. And I enjoyed it. But unlike most women, I didn't read it to fantasize about a life beyond my imagination. Instead, I read it and remembered times long gone. Yes, that's right. I have been in a BDSM relationship.

But where the book and I differ is that my relationship was not sadistic, emotionally abusive, or stalkerish. In fact, mine was highly fulfilling, because it was based on TRUST, LOVE, and RESPECT. The more I read about all the controvery surrounding the 50 Shades trilogy, the more I felt the need to defend the people who willingly enter a BDSM relationship.

I have been...

Bound,

Blindfolded,

Spanked,

Clamped,

Disciplined,

and more.

However, I was never humiliated, tortured, hurt, or threatened. In fact, I'd say I experienced more love in that relationship than I have in "vanilla" relationships. Why? Because the deep level of trust to let someone take complete control of my experiences didn't just happen. There was no seductive riches or stalkerish appearances like Christian Grey to lure me in. It was built over time, on a foundation of respect.

Many woman assume that BDSM must mean ridicule or abuse. Nonsense. For me, a highly educated woman, it meant an opportunity to let go of the millions of voices in my head and just live in the moment. In those moments, I wasn't worried about anything else in the world. I cannot explain to you how rare those opportunities are for me. As I was handcuffed spread eagle on a bed, blindfolded, I felt more freedom than I had ever felt before with a man. I trusted him completely, and he never once betrayed that trust.

Roiphe, in a Newsweek article about sadomaschosim gives some background on the topic: "Over the years researchers and psychologists have theorized that women harbor elaborate fantasies about sexual submission because they feel guilty or skittish about claiming responsibility for their own desires: they are more comfortable being wanted than wanting, in other words."

On the contrary, women hold all the power in these relationships. In a trusting BDSM relationship, it is the submissive who holds the STOP sign... it is the submissive that determines how far, and how long, the play continues. And it is the submissive that gets the thrill of letting go of all else and truly just being. Being in the moment. Being free of responsibility. Being the focus of attention.

In bondage, I am most free.

Fifty Shades has nothing on me.

Photo link

 

 

There's just something I don't understand. If you're not happy in a relationship, tell the truth. Confront the tears, and then move on. I'd much rather have to face your truths than unknowingly be a part of your lies.

Is there ever a time when it's better to tell a lie and make someone smile? I'm curious as to what you think.

 

One of the things I love about Coelho is that he cuts to the chase, just as he has done in this quote. Love dies when we fail to nourish it, to keep sustaining it. How many times have you complained that a friend or significant other takes advantage of you? Have you ever thought that the person might be saying the same thing about you?

I was joking with my friend today that I think men are prone to a deadly disease that only infects them if they are open and public about their love for another... obviously, that is an overgeneralized statement, as I know women who are also afraid of the disease. But the point is this: If the people in your life matter, you have to let them know. And not just once - often.

As Angela Maiers says, YOU MATTER!

The cup only runneth over if you keep adding more love to it. Otherwise, the cup holder will fill their cup elsewhere.

So before you go looking elsewhere for nourishment, may I remind you that you all matter to me.

Now who have you told that they matter today?